Darling
by Leasel P
Summary: Gillian thinks back to all the times Cal has called her darling and how it has resulted in them being in the situation they are currently in. Set immediately after Secret Santa.


**Darling**

Gillian sat in her chair, heels kicked to the side, feet tucked under her and a glass of red wine yet to be touched. Cal was back and he was alive. She should have been thrilled or happy or relieved but she found none of those emotions described the feelings she was having. All she felt was confusion, fear and despair. She hadn't had a second to herself since he had left and now all of a sudden she found herself alone, the weight of the last few days finally catching up with her. He'd called her darling. Again. It was right before he left for Afghanistan and he followed it with a kiss she was sure managed to cross the line of friendship. Yet it wasn't only the kiss that had her heart stopping, it was the conjunction of the kiss and darling. It was the first time he had kissed her with darling. He'd called her darling twice before and she swears each time their relationship moves a little bit close to lovers and a little further away from friends.

The first time her called her darling was the day she had married Alec. All day he had barely looked at her, referring to her only by her then maiden name Roberts. Later that night, when Alec was preoccupied with alcohol and most of the guests had retreated back home, Cal stole her away, and out under the moonlight they danced. He had held her tight, as if releasing her would result in him losing her forever. She'd looked up at him with a warm smile, filled with happiness at the love in his eyes.

"Will you miss me?"

He'd known the question wasn't just about the time she would be gone on her honeymoon.

"Always darling." she was shocked at his answer. She was always love, Roberts or Gillian to him, never anything else. Now she was darling and she couldn't be happier. Her smiled had reached her eyes and she laid her head over his heart vowing to be with this man forever, no matter the cost, because he was her constant, the one man she knew would always have her back.

It was quiet some time before she got to here that word uttered from his lips again and she often wonders what would have happened had it been under different circumstances.

The second time was when she lost Sophie. Alec couldn't, or perhaps it was wouldn't look at her let alone talk to her. The pain of having her child ripped out of her arms crushed her and his resistance to act as if none of it ever happened hurt her more than she thought was ever possible, whilst all the while she could see the silent accusation in him eyes. He blamed her and it made her heart bleed. She had turned up at Cal's house at 2.30 in the morning, drunk for the first time in her life, bashing endlessly on his door. She could see his annoyance at being dragged out of bed wash away when he saw her. The pity in his eyes made her slap him, yet he'd pulled her into his home, pity long gone, love and compassion taking its place. No sooner had she uttered the words "Sophie's gone" than his arms engulfed her, his warmth burning through to her heart, silently telling her that when there was no one else she had him.

Through her tears she'd asked him how things would be? Would they go back to how they were before or would they try and adopt again? She didn't know how she was going to carry on, she felt so empty. He had pulled her into his back, now both seated on the floor, as she continued to shake with tears, opting to just let her get everything out. Her pain was slowly killing him, each doubt she was having was like a new stab to the heart. He couldn't stand his Gillian in pain. She felt his grip on her waist tighten as her body slumped slightly.

"Maybe it's a sign, maybe I would be a terrible mother and this is just the universes way of say it." Cal had lifted her chin and looked deep into her eyes, shocked to find she truly believed what she was saying.

"Gillian, you would be a wonderful mother, any child would be lucky to have you as a mother and I don't ever want to hear you say anything to the contrary ever again darling."

His grip on her tightened, as she buried her face in his neck. It was at this moment Gillian realised she was head over heels, completely and utterly in love with Cal Lightman and had been for a very long time.

After that night she knew things would be different. She had seen it in his eyes, the moment he realized how she truly felt. Sometimes she wonders if perhaps he realized before she did but the reality was she was married and he had just barely survived his divorce. Neither of them was in a situation to be anything more than friends to each other, which is why when he began to distance himself she didn't object. She went from Gillian to Foster, from the woman he would socialize with any hour of the day to the woman he saw from 9 to 5. At first Gillian found it hard to cope with but she knew it was for the best so as time flew by she came to grips with her new relationship with Cal. It wasn't until her divorce that everything started to change again. Dinners together become more frequent; as did the touches, the looks and yet she would convince herself they meant nothing because she was still just Foster to him. Until 4 days ago when he thought it appropriate to call her darling once again, kissing her as he ran out the door. She sat here now, confused not only wonder why he was calling her darling again but also as to why now. Why now did he bring up that name again? He knew what happened last time. Why now, as he was going off on a potentially life threatening mission, would he choose to utter that word? She had realized an hour ago that she did not find the word to bring her happiness this time but sorrow and anger. It was at that moment she heard a light tap on the door.

"This were you've run away to love." Cal gave her a warm smile as he sat down next to her on the couch, his eyes briefly running across her face.

"Yeah, I just needed a few moments of peace. The party is in full swing out there." She said lightly, knowing she was doing a pathetic job at hiding her emotions. She looked at Cal and saw he was reading her, taking in every little thought she was having. Suddenly Gillian became enraged. What right did he have to play with her the way he does, hurt her over and over and then invade her privacy in the most personal way!

"Cal stop!" She said it with enough force to shock him, moving off the couch and over to the window.

"You alright love?" His caution was evident in his voice.

A simple no was all she offered as she glanced out over the street. She wanted him out of her office, and she wanted it now. She knew that Cal understood what the problem was, that's why he had been avoiding her all night and the last thing she wanted right now was to have to sit here and watch him dance around the reality that he had called her darling once more. She could feel his breath on the back of her neck as he moved closer to her.

"If you need anyone to talk to love, you know I'm here. It's been a tough few days for all of us. I know Emily is particularly shaken up over this whole incident."

"Are you seriously going to stand there and act like you don't know what's going on?" She saw it in his eyes, he was warning her off the topic.

"You know what, forget it. Go back out there to you stupid party, I'm going home." Grabbing her coat off the back of her chair Gillian made her way to the door.

"No I will not forget it! You are acting like I have done something horridly wrong! Like I'm in the bad! It's a word Gillian, an affectionate name that slipped out! So I'm sorry you're pissed but get over it, move on and lets just pretend it never happened!"

"It's a word that you know I have attached memories to Cal! Memories of my marriage, memories of Sophie, memories of that night and they are painful Cal! I lost my daughter and because of you and your 'affectionate name' I realized I was no longer in love with my husband! Do you know what that did to me? To my life? So what right do you have to come in here and call me darling? I am not your darling so don't you ever call me darling again are we clear." Cal stared at her with an intensity she had never seen before and it unnerved her. His face was blank and she had no idea what was going through his mind but whatever it was, it scared her.

"What about what it did to my life and to me? Huh? Knowing you were so close yet so far away!" He was moving closer to her with each word, his eyes now burning into her face.

"It was my way of showing you affection, my own way of showing you that I cared about you, perhaps more that I should have, but that night you took it away from me because I knew what the consequence would have been if I was to keep calling you darling. So I stopped and I distanced myself because you were married. And yeah, maybe I have no right to call you darling but you know what, I was scared the other day Gillian and just saying that to you, watching the love come into your eyes was the only thing I needed." Cal was right in front of her now; she could feel her back against the door, his hands now planted on her waist.

"So you just needed reassurance and you used me to get it huh?" Through her voice Cal could detect her anger but her face betrayed her, showing a mixture of anger and her need for reassurance.

"No, I needed to see love, your love, so that I could see why I was going over there and why I had to come back." Her defenses crumbed as she moved her hand up to touch his face, his slightly stumble grazing her fingers.

"Okay, I'm sorry for bringing it up, lets just pretend it never happened." Cal caught her hand as it moved towards the handle.

"Is that what you really want love?" He saw the anger, which had only seconds ago left her face, return.

"What I want is of little importance Cal so lets just get back to the party."

Cal's hand on her waist kept Gillian in place as she tried to turn around. He studied her and was shocked when not only did she not try and stop him, but she didn't try and hide anything, she remained completely open for him to see. Out of all the emotions swirling around her face he concentrated on the pain in her eyes. Without thinking he quickly closed the short distance between them, his rough, chapped lips only gently touching her smooth ones for a split second. He saw the pain and anger disappear, replaced by shock and confusion, but lingering in the background he saw love.

"That was for your wedding." Again Cal closed the distance between them, this time pushing her against the door, his body now flush against hers as he kissed her with a passion.

"That was for Sophie." Gillian nodded, a slight smile creeping onto her face. Bringing his hand up, Cal pushed a stray strand of Gillian's hair behind her ear before cupping her face.

"And this darling, this is for us." Cal said as his hand moved to the back of Gillian's head, bring her to him as his mouth crashed down on hers once again, his lips moving over hers in desperation as he tried to show her that his love for her matched the love she felt for him.

* * *

So it's been about 8 months since I wrote a story so hang in there with me, I'm a little rusty.  
I started this story way way back in November after the episode Secret Santa and have been adding little bits ever since. It is set immediately after Secret Santa and does not take into account any of the following episodes.  
Hope you enjoyed it and remember to review on your way out!

L


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